


All of me

by Angel_With_The_Shotgun



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crying Dean Winchester, Emotions, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Season 13 Castiel and Dean Winchester Reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 02:21:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20166571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_With_The_Shotgun/pseuds/Angel_With_The_Shotgun
Summary: In which, Dean can't forgive himself for not realizing that Cas was trapped in Hell by Asmodeous.Set in season 13.I wrote this about a year ago, but never posted it, so here it is.





	All of me

He stood there, barely listening Cas explaining the whole situation. His head was spinning, and he was lost in his own thoughts.  
Feelings of shame and guilt washed over him.   
Guilt and shame? Well, nothing new for Dean Winchester, some would say, but this time it was somehow different. 

Ten years. Ten years of knowing each other. Ten years of standing in each other's personal space. Of losing each other, and finding each other all over again.  
Maybe him being oblivious to the situation was just the result of him believing that just this once everything was okay and under control. He couldn't bear the thought that something was wrong. Again. After all, he knew Cas.  
At least, he thought so.

Visibly distressed, and not looking at Cas' eyes, Dean murmured something like 'yeah, okay..." then turned around and walked away.  
After a minute, loud sound of the front doors could be heard.

Dean just stood outside and tried to will some oxygen into his lungs. He closed his eyes. His thoughts were wandering all around, and he didn't even notice the wetness of his face.  
Cas somehow appeared behind him, he didn't even hear anything. Tears, the traitors.

"Dean." that raspy, deep and beautiful voice full of emotions made him shiver all over again.  
Dean wouldn't let himself to be touched by him. He stepped away.

"Cas, no. Please no." 

But Cas put his hand on his shoulder, of course, and Dean dared to look at him in the eyes. Cas was looking at him in his very own inexplicable way. Like Dean was still something worth fighting for.

Suddenly, all nervous and on edge, Dean broke the silence.

"Okay, when I said, come home with me." He looked away. "Maybe... maybe that was a bad idea. Apparently, I suck at keeping our family under one roof. Every time I try, man, just every freaking time, something bad happens.   
And this... last thing that happened.. it's like I don't really know you. I...I wanted to believe so bad that this all wasn't a lie, you know.."

Cas didn't say anything, he just listened. He knew Dean needed to get it out of his system.

"I mean, look at you, why are you not mad at me? With those stupid blue eyes looking right into my soul!?"

"Dean. I will tell you this. Yes, I am dissapointed in you, but only because I still can't figure out why would you think I will ever leave your side, I know the real you, and I will never doubt your true intentions. You're a good human being, Dean. You are everything. Please don't forget that."

"Oh damn, you and your speeches" Dean said silently, and in that moment Cas took his both hands in his.

"Then why are you keep leaving?" Dean said sadly, then repeated "Why are you keep leaving.. me?" then looked him in the eyes, his face was broken and filled with tears, that were threatening to spill any second now.

"Let's get you inside okay?" Cas asked, but it really wasn't a question.

Cas led him into his room, one hand on Dean's back. Dean didn't flinch.   
They sat down on his bed, their thighs pretty much touching.

"Dean, are you okay?" 

Dean stared at him for a second, feeling confused. 

"Of course I'm not freaking okay, I just told you that..."

"No, Dean," Cas interrupted "are you really okay, because I'm sensing there is much more to the story than you are telling me. Please tell me. I need to know." Cas had those pleading eyes that Dean never could resist.

"Okay.." Dean said silently looking at the floor.  
In that moment Cas took his hands in his again. Dean already felt the warmth washing over him. He smiled softly, but then his face got more serious.  
Cas was gently massaging his knuckles with his thumbs, trying to make Dean more calm.

"Cas," he took a deep shuddering breath.  
"You know, that day when you came back, I told you I couldn't live without you.... well..." he swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. "I wasn't kidding, Cas... I literally couldn't live without you...." he stopped staring at the floor and looked at Cas with the most sincere look that was only reserved for Sam.

"Dean..." Cas breathed out "... you didn't..."

"Yeah I did... and... I didn't want to come back.. not in the world without you.. I need you by my side man, you are keeping me sane."

"Dean..." Cas looked at him with those eyes full of underestanding, but also very sad ones.

"Do you know what does to me when you say my name like this? It's like it takes all my pain away Cas, and I don't want to live without that ever again. I know I'm being lame with all this chick flicks, but I want you to know that I want you to stay with me, and that I love you more than you'll ever know. Okay there, I said it.."

Cas smiled.  
"I'm happy we finally had this conversation."

That made Dean chuckle "oh you mean my monologue about me being miserable self?"

"Yes. You know you can talk to me anytime you want. Especially about things like this. I don't want you to suffer in silence. Just one more question."

Dean looked at him questioningly.

"Um.. can I have that hug, a proper one? You owe me."

Dean practically launched himself in his arms. 

"Yes" Dean whispered into his ears "You can have all of me."


End file.
